アフィリエイトで継続させるもの | 情報商材アフィリエイトの極意

情報商材アフィリエイトの極意
管理人のRyu-Gです。




アフィリエイトをやっていくなかで

継続させなければいけないものをお伝えします。

■■　アフィリエイトで継続させるもの




　「アフィリエイトは継続することが大事」

　これはいろんなブログやメルマガでも言われていて
　だれでも一度は聞いたことがあると思います。




　耳にタコの人もいるでしょう（笑）




　特に、メルマガやブログは
　結果が出るまでは多少時間がかかりますので

　絶対に継続させることが必要になります。




　結果が出る前に辞めてしまう人も多いんですが
　ほんとにもったいないです。

　始めたのなら稼いでやりましょうよ。




　で、今日は

　継続って何を継続するのかという話です。




　記事を書き続けるとか、コメント回りするとか
　無料レポートを作るとかは
　
　当たり前のことなんですが
　もう少し掘り下げてお話すると




　コンセプトやスタンスを継続させてください。




　アフィリエイトは継続できているけど

　コンセプトやスタンスが継続できてない人は
　かなり多くいますよ。




　しかも、自分では気づかない場合もあるので

　しっかり意識しておく必要があります。




　まずコンセプトとは
　
　自分のブログやメルマガが
　どういう情報を発信しているかということ。




　これ、しっかり決めてますよね？




　コンセプトが決まっていないと

　読者さんがどんな情報をくれるのかがわからず
　続けて読んでくれないということになります。





　で、Ryu-Gの場合は

　「ブログとメルマガの情報商材アフィリエイト」
　というコンセプトで

　１年以上、ほぼブログとメルマガに関する
　情報を配信してきました。




　その結果、ブログとメルマガをやっている人が

　読んでくれるようになったんですね。




　これがもし、コンセプトを継続できなくて

　急にＰＰＣなんかの情報を配信したらどうでしょう？




　読まれなくなりますよね？

　読者さんが欲しいのは
　ブログやメルマガの情報なわけですから。




　コンセプトが継続できないと

　こういう事が起こるわけですね。




　もうひとつのスタンス。




　スタンスとは、姿勢や態度という意味で

　アフィリエイトに対する姿勢、
　読者さんに対する姿勢ということ。




　簡単に言えば、キャラクターですね。




　読者さんにこういう人だということを
　認識してもらうことで

　信頼などが芽生えてきます。




　これがスタンスがコロコロ変わってしまうと

　読者さんからは信頼されません。




　ブログとメルマガで違うとか
　本文と編集後記で違うとかはまだいいんです。

　ギャップを作るという意味では。




　ただ、同じ場所で変わるというのはよくありません。





　これはネットに限らず、現実でもそうですよね。

　言うことがコロコロ変わる人は
　信頼できませんよね。

　それといっしょです。




　このコンセプトとスタンスは

　特に読者さんが少なかったり
　まだ稼げていないうちは継続させることが大事です。




　稼げるようになり実績があれば
　多少変えても読者さんがついてきますが

　実績がないうちにやると
　読者さんを混乱させて振り回すだけです。




　コンセプトとスタンスは

　信念を持って継続させていきましょう＾＾　

　情報商材アフィリエイトの極意■ＴＯＰ

こんばんは

ご訪問ありがとうございます。

ブランディングなんですね。

はっきりとした自分の色　差別化しっかり

身につけたいですね。

心を込めて応援いたします。

はじめまして、
こんばんは！
セイカです。

ブログへのご訪問と
丁寧なコメントありがとうございました。

コンセプトとスタンスを
ずれないように注意しないと
いろいろ情報が耳に入って
記事にしてしまって・・・。

注意しないといけないですね。

それではまた来ますね♪
応援ぽち！させていただきました。

Ryu-Gさん、こんばんわぁ～！

ご訪問と応援、
ありがとうございます！！

どんな事でも継続する事は
大事ですねぇ～！

コンセプトとスタンス
気をつけたいと思います！！

応援なのです！(○´ω｀○)ﾉ

Ryu=Gさん、こんばんワ（^ ^

いつの間にか違うことをやっていたのでは
確かに継続にはならないですネ（^ ^;

応援デス☆！

おはようございます＾＾

アフィリエイト戦略家　ｍａｘです。

そうですよね。

ただ、継続するだけじゃあ
意味ありませんよね。

ちゃんと自分のスタイルを
貫かないといけませんよね＾＾

応援済みです＾＾

こんにちは！こちえです。
ブログへのご訪問＆温かなコメントをありがとうございます。

一貫したスタンスがないと
記事ごとに混乱させてしまうなんてことに
確かになりますよね。

信念持ってがんばります。＾＾

今日も心を込めて応援済みです！

Ryu-Gさんこんにちは＾＾　ＴＫＣです＾＾

コメントありがとうございました＾＾

すっきりしてて見やすいブログですね＾＾

参考にさせていただかなくては・・

それでは応援ぽちっ☆

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Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

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Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

The truth is more important than the facts.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

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I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

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Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

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Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

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Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I wa

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

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Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

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There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

The truth is more important than the facts.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I am not young enough to know everything.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.